Battle CityBound
by SuperSpeedy
Summary: EarthBound/YGO; Rated for Mild Language. A freak accident sends the heroes from EarthBound into the world of Yu-Gi-Oh, before the start of Battle City! *Chapter 6 is up!* (includes explaination to those unfamiliar with EarthBound) R&R, please!
1. Phase into Domino

Fads come and go in the not-well-known country of Eagleland.

Most came in the form of games.

When a new card game fad, called "Duel Monsters", came, people dumped the Pocket Monster cards.

A local of the Eagleland town called Onett, Ness Franklin was known throughout the town. Not as the top Duel Monster player, but as a savior of the entire planet. That story is long and has been made into a videogame, which had hit Onett at the same time a meteor that started Ness's adventure. It helped him discover his long forgotten psychic powers.

He also made a few friends on his way to destroy that evil alien.

Paula Polestar was the only girl of the group. She wasn't physically strong, but she'd been practicing her psychic abilities her whole life. She's practically a celebrity in the neighboring suburb of Twoson, thanks to her powers. She's always avoiding the tabloids! All she really wants to do is spend time with the preschoolers at the house her mom converted into Polestar Preschool. And sometimes, she wants to be with Ness. But she never talks about that.

Jeff Andonuts is really shy. Not to mention a bed-wetter, and what some would call a nerd. He used to live at Snowwood Boarding School, in the country of Winters. Currently, he resides in the oddball, not to mention well hidden, town of Saturn Valley. Why is it odd? Imagine a person with no body, a big nose, whiskers, a single strand of hair with a bow, and legs but no arms, and you got yourself the natives. Be glad Jeff isn't native to Saturn Valley. The Mr. Saturns, as the natives call themselves, are wise and friendly, but they talk odd. Anyhow, Jeff has no psychic abilities that he knows of. But he's very good at building and repairing things.

And then, there's Prince Poo of the Eastern Kingdom of Dalaam. Yeah, that's right. His name is Poo. You might want to laugh now to get it out of your system. I'll wait until you're done. Anyway, the women of Dalaam find Poo rather attractive. Not bad considering he's nearly bald. One thing you'd consider odd about Dalaam is that it floats in the sky on a pink cloud. Other than that, Poo is very mysterious.

Well, I raddled on and on about those four. Maybe we should get on with the tale…

"Did I thank you for letting me use your club house?" said Paula.

"I lost track how many times you did," said Ness.

"43," said one of the kids in the club house. He wore a derby hat.

"Thanks, Derby," replied Ness.

"She's whipping you good, Ness!" said the kid with the overly large baseball cap.

"Cappy, hush!" said Ness.

Ness and Paula were in the middle of a game of Duel Monsters. Paula had just summoned her Cosmo Queen, and laid waste to one of Ness's monsters, dropping his score by 1100. Ness had 2 more monsters, but none were as strong as the Cosmo Queen.

"I'll lay this magic or trap down and end my turn," said Paula.

Ness drew. He drew the monster he got in a magazine. The Blue Eyes White Dragon. He smiled.

"I'll just sacrifice these two monsters for my Blue Eyes White Dragon!" he exclaimed.

It wasn't much of a strength difference between the Dragon and the Queen. Only 100 points. But it was enough for Ness.

"Blue Eyes attacks Cosmo Queen," declared Ness.

"Metal-Morph," said Paula, flipping a card face-up. "Cosmo Queen gains 300 attack, and destroys Blue Eyes! You lose 200."

"DAMN!" shouted Ness. "I'll just play this card to revive Blue Eyes, set this magic-or-trap, and end my turn."

Paula yawned. "Too easy," she said. "Cosmo Queen attacks, gaining half of Blue Eyes attack from Metal-Morph, and I win."

"Magical Cylinders," said Ness, flipping a card. "You take 4700 direct damage, and the attack is negated."

"WOW!" said Cappy. He checked the tally. "Paula: 100. Ness: 1700!"

"Take her out, Ness!" said a kid in a tux.

"Thank you, Shifty," said Ness. "My turn, I set a magic or trap card. And I'll end my turn."

"Thanks for letting me win, Ness," said Paula. "Cosmo Queen attacks."

"Mystical Space Typhoon," declared Ness, flipping a card. "I destroy Metal-Morph. Cosmo Queen attacks a monster stronger than it. You lose 100 points. That's game."

"Clever, Ness!" said Shifty.

"I never saw that coming," said Cappy.

"I was on my toes the whole game!" said Derby.

"Thank you, boys," replied Ness. He started to hum a tune.

"I'm kind of hungry," said Paula.

"Should I steal… err… order you a pizza?" said Shifty.

Ness jerked his hands across his neck.

"No thanks," said Paula.

Ness let out a sigh of relief.

Then a phone rang.

Ness took out his receiver phone. It was a weird type of cell phone. It couldn't dial others. Just receive calls. He pressed a button. "Talk to me," he said.

"Hey, Ness!" came the voice from the other end.

"Hey, Jeff," said Ness. "You invent some kind of combination microwave/TV?"

It was a joke he had.

"I've drawn up the schematics," said Jeff. "But that's not why I called. Apple Kid and I have been working on the Phase Distorter version 4-beta."

You might be asking, "Where are 1, 2, and 3? And who is Apple Kid?" If you aren't, skip the next 2 paragraphs. Otherwise, here we go.

Apple Kid was one of Twoson's 2 famous inventors. The other was Orange Kid. Everyone loved Orange Kid because they found him attractive and he always kept his house clean. But the best thing he ever made was a machine that sang a song to him. Apple Kid was a smelly pig, but a genius. Always hungry but never tidy, Apple Kid made great inventions that helped Ness a lot in his journey such as Zombie Paper and the Trout-Flavored Yogurt Maker.

The Phase Distorter was a machine that helped Ness and his crew travel through time and space. The alien, Giygas, based his operations in the past. The fat cohort of Giygas, Pokey, stole the first Phase Distorter. The second one couldn't travel to the past, for safety reasons. Dr. Andonuts, renowned scientist and father of Jeff, revealed that all organic matter would be destroyed in the time traveling process of the third Phase Distorter. Thus, they had their brains copied and reformatted into programming and stored in a robot.

"So, what?" said Ness. "You going to test it out over the phone?"

"No," said Jeff. "I want you to come down and test it."

"I'd rather not. It might explode in my face."

"I'll come with you."

"Fine. Where should I meet you?"

"Fourside."

"Fine," said Ness. "I'll meet you there." He hung up. "Let's go, Paula. We need to catch a bus."

"Bus?" said Paula. "There's no buses in Onett!"

"I know. That's why we're going to Twoson."

"USE YOUR HEAD, NESS! I CAME HERE TO GET AWAY FROM TWOSON! THE REPORTERS ARE LIKE HOUNDS!"

"Oh, yeah!" said Shifty. "You're a minor celebrity there." He whipped out a costume. "Can you pose in this Dark Magician Girl costume?"

Paula held it up to her body. "I think not. It's too revealing."

"Come on!" said Shifty. "I need merchandise… err… a memento!"

"Let's go," said Ness. He grabbed Paula and dragged her out of the clubhouse.

Paula was still holding the costume.

"Say," said Paula, "you got anything else I can wear as a disguise other than this skimpy costume?"

"Just my pajamas," replied Ness.

"Pass. Say. There is a comic convention being held shortly in Fourside. It'll give me an excuse to wear this."

"Well, congrats."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Uhh… nothing."

Then Ness heard a voice in his head. Psst… Ness!

Ness looked around. "Why don't you go ahead?" Ness said to Paula.

"Uhh… okay," Paula replied.

She started to walk ahead, towards the path that connected Onett and Twoson.

"Poo, is that you?" said Ness.

Yes, Poo replied telepathically.

"Where are you?" asked Ness.

He felt a dog licking the back of his leg.

"Shoo!"

Ness! It's me!

"I wish you didn't do that whole weird mirroring ability just to sneak up on me."

Sorry. Where are you going?

"Fourside. I have to meet up with Jeff."

Oh. I'll just wait around here, then.

Ness then remembered that Poo couldn't control the form he mirrored. He took out a dog biscuit. Poo started barking for joy.

Oh, no, Poo grumbled telepathically.

Ness took off sprinting, teasing Poo with the biscuit. He ran into Twoson, the around Twoson, just to confuse Poo.

[Meanwhile…]

Paula had opened the door to the only house on the One-Two Path. It was owned by a bunch of mice, and a boy lived in it rent-free. Paula noticed how messy he was.

"Hi!" said the boy. "Did you come to adopt an Exit Mouse? They're really fast. That was the mother of them always insists on doing."

"Umm… no," said Paula. "I actually need to change into something."

"Go right ahead!" said the boy. He just stood there.

Paula waited for him to leave.

He wasn't budging.

"Umm… I kind of need some privacy," said Paula.

"Why?" said the boy.

Paula was getting annoyed with this nonsense. He grabbed the boy and locked him in a closet. The mice dashed in with him through a hole.

"Hey!" shouted the boy. "Thanks for keeping me company!"

Paula opened her carrying bag and took out the costume. She sighed. If the press recognized her in this, she may end up a laughingstock. Not to mention Shifty would have his merchandise.

"It's do or die," she said.

[Elsewhere…]

(Turn, halt, stop!) Poo thought, trying to control the dog he mirrored. But to no avail. He could never control what he mirrored. His form continued to chase the biscuit.

Ness was slowly heading towards the bus station. But the route he was taking, he might as well have given Poo a tour of Twoson!

[Do I have to add a comment? You get the point.]

Paula let the boy out of the closet, in her new wardrobe, and entered the town of Twoson.

Near the hotel, she was quickly approached by a reporter.

(Stay calm,) thought Paula. (He probably wants directions to my home, thinking I'll be there.)

"Excuse me," said the reporter. "Would you like to… well…"

"I know where you're going," said Paula, "and the answer is simple, 'No way, sicko!'"

She walked into the neighboring bike shop. They were always out of bike to purchase, but they had plenty of free rentals. So she took a rental and gave the owner her word that it'll be in the same condition.

"Sure thing, babe," he said.

Paula took that as an insult, and hit him with her frying pan.

"Hold up, Miss Polestar!" said the same reporter.

(Busted,) thought Paula. She hopped on the bike and started peddling towards the bus station. The reporter dashed after her.

It wasn't long before he saw the station… and Ness tossing a dog biscuit into the bus. Then boarding. Then the bus taking off.

"DAMN YOU, NESS!" Paula shouted.

She stopped near the bus stop sign and checked the schedule. Another bus would be coming in 10 minutes. She took off after Ness.

It wasn't long until she was peddling right next to the bus and overhearing a conversation between Ness and… Poo?

"I can't believe you're into this game!" said Ness. "Dalaam is so distant from any civilization! Come on. Most of the people there eat rice gruel as food."

"That doesn't mean I don't visit your land on occasion," said Poo. "You called me once and told me about it, remember?"

"You must have the only telephone in Dalaam."

"And I'm the only one with people I like to talk to."

"Yeah. These are some nice decks. …Beast of Talwar? You have 3 Beasts of Talwar?"

"5, actually. But the rules say 3 of a card to a deck, unless otherwise limited to 1 or 2."

"What's this card? I can't make out the text. Must be Japanese or something."

"Final Countdown to the End. You pay 2000 life points, and you instantly win in 20 turns. I built my deck around it. All the traps in there to help me stall for those 20 turns really helps. And the card negating traps and Fake Traps really protect them."

"How'd you get Exodia?"

"I get I was lucky when I bought the packs."

"Well, I'm surprised."

"I keep waiting until we could take a little time to face each other in a match."

"HEY, NESS!" shouted Paula.

Ness looked out the bus window. He saw Paula for a moment before they entered the Two-Three Tunnel.

"Why are you in that outfit?" Ness asked.

"You ever hear of a disguise?" said Paula. "I'll meet up with you in Threed!"

She peddled on ahead.

Once she reached Threed, she went into a vacant hotel room and changed back into her usual dress. Then she waited at the bus stop. She paid the $2 fare, and boarded the bus.

In next to no time at all, they crossed the Dusty Dunes Desert and were in Fourside.

Jeff was waiting for them at the only bus stop in Fourside.

"Hey, guys!" Jeff said to Ness and Paula. "Hey, Poo. Wasn't expecting you."

"Ness dragged me here with a dog biscuit," said Poo. "Long story."

"Well," said Jeff, "follow me."

They walked their way over to a building. A sign by it said, "APE Inc. Planning building for EarthBound 2."

When they walked in, the building was empty.

"I knew they'd never make a sequel," said Ness.

"I hear they'll use this building for the comic convention," said Paula.

"Let's just go in the Phase Distorter," said Jeff.

"That's why we're here?" said Poo.

They walked in the Phase Distorter. Jeff pressed a button. A siren wailed.

"CURSE YOU, ORANGE KID!" shouted Ness.

"WHY HIM?" Paula asked.

"WHY NOT?" replied Ness.

They landed with a crash, and climbed out. The Phase Distorter was wrecked. But was worse was the menacing person standing before them in the huge metal room they were in.


	2. It All Begins OR Machines and Cards

Battle City-Bound

Chapter 2: It All Begins

The man was dressed in a snazzy white coat. Something hung around his neck. At first glance, it was a Duel Monster card. But upon closer inspection, it was a locket for a picture. He had well combed brown hair. He also had a device on his wrist.

He opened his mouth to speak.

"This is a private product testing!" she shouted. "How'd you get in here?"

His voice was hard and demanding.

Poo stood up from the wreckage, and placed his hand on the man's head. He turned out to be no older than himself. But he was raised in an orphanage. He eventually became adopted, along with his brother, through a game of chess. After a rather unusual accident, the man before them became the head of the company his father owned. Poo searched his mind for a name, and he found it: Seto Kaiba.

Poo took his hand off Mr. Kaiba's head.

(He's currently the odd type,) thought Seto.

Jeff got up the nerve to speak. "I was testing the Phase Distorter. It's a machine that my father and I designed to allow people to travel through time and space. It must've malfunctioned."

Jeff then looked around, "…And it doesn't look like the Phase Distorter isn't the only thing in a state of repairs."

"You mean the duel robot?" said Seto.

"So that's what it is!" said Jeff. "I could fix this in a jiff, if you want. I just need the schematics."

"I'm not sure I should leave fixing a complicated piece of machinery to a little kid like you," said Seto.

"Wise choice," said Ness. "I asked him to fix my TV once, and he built in a self-destruct feature!"

"Did it work?" asked Paula.

"Yeah," said Ness. "But I did blow up the house once. Had to fix the entire thing. Real painful work."

Seto looked back to Jeff, and handed him a floppy disk. "Don't add anything fancy," he said.

Jeff took out his toolbox and his laptop. He took Seto's disk. "I'll be done in 2 hours, tops."

Jeff went to work, repairing the robot while looking at the schematics. He finished in 90 minutes. Then he hit a button and the top half blew up. He repaired that in 20 minutes. And removed his explosives in 10.

"Now, to test," said Jeff. His laptop was plugged in. He hit a few keys, and the duel robot booted up.

"PREPARED FOR TESTING OF DUEL DISK," said the robot. "SCANNING PREVIOUS ALGORITHMS. TEST COMPLETED. AWAITING FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS."

(Not bad,) thought Kaiba. (Not bad at all.)

"Hmm, I just thought up a good idea," said Kaiba. "I'm going to host a tournament soon. A Duel Monsters tournament. I'm sure you've at least heard of the game."

"Of course I have," said Poo. He opened his robe, revealing several stacks of cards. "Does it matter which deck I use? Exodia? Destiny Board? Final Countdown to the End? My special beat-down blend?"

"Thanks for telling me your strategies!" said Jeff.

"It doesn't matter," said Kaiba. "But you must first prove your dueling skills against my Duel Robot!"

"Another question," said Poo. "I'm guessing the deck we use against the robot determines what deck we use in this tournament."

Kaiba sighed. "Yes," he said.

"Give me the equipment, and prep the machine!" instructed Poo. "I'm going up first."

"If there's forms to fill out," said Ness, "Jeff will do it."

"HEY!" he shouted.

It wasn't long until Poo had the device on his wrist. Just by looking at it, he guessed how to do it: monsters on top, magic and traps in the slots. He shuffled his deck.

"BEGINNING DUEL ALGORITHM," said the Duel Robot, announcing his moves. "RANDOMIZING CARDS. DRAWING OPENING HAND OF 5 CARDS. DRAW PHASE: DRAW CARD. MAIN PHASE: ANALYZING POSSIBLE MOVES. SET 1 MONSTER IN DEFENSE. SET 2 CARDS FACE DOWN. END PHASE: END TURN."

Poo looked at his opening hand. He smiled. He could use his Nobleman of Crossout card to get rid of the set monster, but he thought it could be something that'd work to his advantage.

He drew. Neo the Magic Swordsman. Not a bad start. Then he saw one of his 3 Gemini Elves in hand.

(I've fallen for the Cyber Jar ploy too many times,) thought Poo. (Neo is worth the risk, though.)

He slapped down Neo onto the top of the machine.

"I summon NEO THE MAGIC SWORDSMAN!" he declared. "NEO! ATTACK!"

The hologram of the depicted monster shot forth and struck the hologram of the face down card. Then the card revealed itself.

"Cyber Jar?" said Poo. "I knew it!"

"CYBER JAR EFFECT 1: DESTORY ALL MONSTERS ON THE FIELD," said the duel robot. "CYBER JAR EFFECT 2: DRAW 5 CARDS AND REVEAL THEM. ALL MONSTERS, LEVEL 4 AND LOWER, ARE SUMMONED OR SET."

Poo drew his 5 and revealed to his opponent. He drew Gemini Elf, Earthbound Spirit, United We Stand, Scapegoat, and Beast of Talwar. He put the last three cards in his hand, set Earthbound Spirit, and summoned Gemini Elf.

The duel robot revealed he drew La Jinn, Battle Ox, Mystic Horseman, Flute of Summoning Dragon, and Lord of Dragons. All the monsters drawn were summoned.

Poo whistled. "Nice," he said. "I'll equip Gemini Elf with United We Stand, set this card, and end my turn."

Poo watched as Gemini Elf's attack power rose by 1600 to 3500.

"DEDUCTING POSSIBLE SET CARD," said the Duel Computer. "COMPLETED. NO ACTIONS WILL BE TAKED. DRAW PHASE: DRAW CARD."

"Activate!" said Poo, pressing a button. "SCAPEGOAT!"

3 little holographic sheep appeared on the field. Gemini Elf rose further, to 5900.

"MAIN PHASE: SACRIFICE 2 MONSTERS FOR LEVEL 8 MONSTER, BLUE EYES WHITE DRAGON," declared the Duel Computer. "PLAYING MAGIC CARD: FLUTE OF SUMMONING DRAGON. SUMMONING 2 BLUE EYES WHITE DRAGONS. ACTIVATING FACEDOWN CARD: POLYMERIZATION. FUSING 3 BLUE EYES WHITE DRAGONS INTO BLUE EYES ULTIMATE DRAGON. END TURN."

Poo blinked. "That was fast," he said. He closed his eyes, and breathed deeply. He drew: Pot of Greed. He shrugged.

"I'll play Pot of Greed," Poo declared. He drew 2 cards. Relinquished and Black Illusion Ritual! He smiled. "I PLAY BLACK ILLUSION RITUAL! SACRIFICING A SHEEP TO SUMMON RELINQUISHED!"

He watched the holographic animation take place. A small pot and two goblets appeared. The goblets lit ablaze. The pot sucked up the sheep, and started to shape shift into the monster in his hand. Poo laid down the Relinquished monster card just as it formed into the monster he had Ritual Summoned.

Then he realized he had to get rid of Lord of Dragons before absorbing Blue Eyes Ultimate, as it negated effects that target a dragon-type monster. He looked in his hand. He inserted Tribute to the Doomed in the slot, and discarded his Cosmo Queen. "DESTROY LORD OF DRAGONS!" Poo declared.

Lord of Dragons disappeared.

He promptly used Relinquished to absorb Ultimate Blue Eyes.

He looked at his opponent's field. Only monster left was La Jinn. He looked at his life points. 4000? They were playing with half the life points the book said! He realized this because he hadn't taken damage.

Then he smiled. His Gemini Elf was still at 5900.

"GEMINI ELF!" he shouted. "ATTACK LA JINN! SHOW THEM THAT SPIRITS AREN'T ALMIGHTY!"

"ACTIVATING TRAP: NEGATE ATTACK," declared the Duel Computer. "EFFECT: NEGATES 1 ATTACK AND ENDS OPPONENT'S BATTLE PHASE."

Poo was taken by surprise. "Fine," he said. "I'll end my turn."

"DRAW PHASE: DRAW CARD. MAIN PHASE: PLAY MAGIC CARD: MONSTER REBORN. DECIDING MONSTER TO SUMMON FROM GRAVEYARD… DECIDED. SUMMONING COSMO QUEEN."

"Damn you!"

"BATTLE PHASE: COSMO QUEEN ATTACKS FACE-DOWN MONSTER."

The card revealed itself as Earthbound Spirit. And was destroyed. "Dang-it!"

"ENDING TURN."

Poo drew: Cheerful Coffin. He saw 2 Kuriboh in his hand. He played Cheerful Coffin and discarded the Kuriboh. Then he saw the Dark Necrofear in his hand. With 3 Fiends in the grave, he could summon Dark Necrofear. He smiled. It would boost Gemini Elf back to 5900 from 5100.

"I remove my two Kuriboh and my Earthbound Spirit from my grave to summon DARK NECROFEAR! NOW! GEMINI ELF! ATTACK LA JINN!"

The two elf twin holograms leapt forward, and kicked La Jinn in the jaw. The hologram of the genie exploded into shards. The robot's life point count dropped to 0.

Ness, Paula, Jeff, and Kaiba were all watching the duel from a station near the top of the room. Ness, Jeff, and Paula were all cheering in joy.

"All right!"

"That's our crown prince!"

"He isn't full of feces!"

That last one was Jeff. Ness and Paula looked at him.

"You know? Because his name is Poo? Feces mean dung?"

"OHH!" said Paula.

"I still don't get it," said Ness.

Jeff slapped his head. "AY-YI-YI-YI!" shouted Jeff.

(Impressive,) thought Kaiba. (Most impressive. Not only do I have a tournament-worthy duelist before me, he's also a prince! Well, I hope that those three aren't lying, anyway. Then again, they may not be anything special about having a prince in our tournament. But that Dark Necrofear card is definitely worth it. Not to mention Beast of Talwar. And I'm sure the other duelists will just ignore the jokes they could make about his name.)

I, the author, will not bore you with the details on the following three duels. I will merely tell you important details.

Ness used his Blue Eyes White Dragon, equipped with Metal Morph, to tear through the robot's forces. It eventually summoned Ultimate Blue Eyes. Ness's Blue Eyes ripped it to shreds, while 2 of his warriors, powered by Dragonic Attack, to win the match.

Jeff's machines were pretty strong fighters. He destroyed Blue Eyes Ultimate with XYZ Cannon Dragon's effect of discarding a card to destroy a card on the field. He followed it up with destroying the robot's points with Valkyron the Magnet Warrior, changed into a Machine with the Scroll of Bewitchment.

Paula had many female-like monsters in her deck. However, she mainly relied on Maha Valio. She merely set Scapegoat and equipped Maha with United We Stand, which raised Maha's attack from 1550 to 2850. When Ultimate Blue Eyes attacked, Scapegoat was activated. Maha's attack rose from 2850 to 6050! From there, it was game, set, and match.

After that, the 4 were given damaged Duel Disks, as Kaiba called them. Jeff made some repairs, and they were ready to go!


	3. This City Will Be a Battle City!

Battle City-Bound Chapter 3

"This City Will Be A Battle City!"

The gang walked out of the Kaibacorp vicinity.

They had stored their duel disks away. They didn't want to seem suspicious.

Now, they were going to do some sightseeing.

Maybe they'd find a card shop.

Maybe they'd meet people.

Of course, it wouldn't hurt them to find a hotel, first. It may be a while until the tournament actually starts.

"What should we do?" said Ness.

"I dunno," said Paula. "Any ideas?"

"No," said Jeff.

"No," said Poo.

I have an idea! Get a hotel room!

"You hear something?" asked Ness.

"No," said Jeff, Paula, and Poo.

Then a boy in blue jeans and a gray t-shirt appeared in front of them in a cloud of dust.

"GET YOURSELF A HOTEL!" said the miracle boy.

"Who are you?" asked Ness.

"I'm the author of this story," said the boy.

"Well, then, Mr. Author," started Jeff, "how can you be here and typing this out?"

"Uh-oh," said the author. "It's writing itself!"

Guns started firing at the author. He disappeared before he could get hit. The guns stopped.

"Maybe he was in school when he added himself in," stated Ness, "and a kid that hated him just took advantage."

"That makes sense," said Jeff. "We've seen stranger things, right?"

"Can anyone say, 'Blue blue'?" joked Paula.

"Don't get me started on that Happy-Happyism cult," said Ness.

"LOOK!" said Poo, pointing toward a building. "A hotel!"

A tall building with "Hotel" written on it was right in front of the gang.

"God bless the author," said Ness.

"What author?" said Jeff.

"Yeah," said Ness. "What was I referring to?"

They walked in. The hotel was surprisingly like the ones close to home. Small lobby. Man at desk. ATM machine behind door. A phone.

"Welcome to the Domino Inn," said the man. "How long of a stay would you like?"

"How about a 3-night stay for 4?" asked Ness. He flashed a wad of cash.

"You here for the tournament?" the man said as he took the cash. "We'll let you own the room until the end of the tournament."

They quickly found their way to the room they were given the keys to.

It was actually a passageway to a dank cave. At least there were beds, a TV, and a phone.

It wasn't the hotel I was guiding them to.

"SHUT UP!"

Hey. Someone's got to narrate. This isn't a TV show.

"I actually find this quite comfortable!" said Poo.

"You also don't like pizza," said Ness.

"It's not on my diet," retorted Poo. "I have a strict diet."

"Yeah," said Paula. "Water, truffles, and Brain Food Lunches. Doesn't that get bland?"

"Sometimes I have that pudding that Ness bought in that realm in his mind," said Poo. "Real tasty."

"Weren't we going to go sightseeing?" asked Jeff.

"Right," said Ness.

They left the hotel. And eventually bumped into two people. One was a tall girl in a pink skirt. The other was a slightly shorter boy with spiky hair.

"My apologies," said the boy.

"No," said Poo. "It was my fault. My clumsy friends and I weren't looking where we were going."

"No need to apologize," said the girl.

"It's no trouble at all," said Paula, after being "gently" nudged by Poo's regal sword, known as the Sword of Kings.

"Maybe we'll see you around sometime!" said Jeff.

"Yeah," said the girl.

"Oh," said the boy. "I dropped my cards. I recently got them."

Ness picked up a card. "Lightforce Sword, huh?" he said. "Not bad." Ness gave it to the boy.

"Thank you," said the boy.

"Well, we'll be going," said Jeff.

The two groups went their separate ways.

"There was something strange about that boy," said Poo.

"Besides the golden pyramid hanging around his neck?" asked Ness.

"Yeah," said Poo. "There was almost a royal air surrounding him. I can't put my finger on it, though."

"You can sheathe your sword, now," said Paula.

"Sorry," said Poo. He sheathed his Sword of Kings.

"Hey, look!" said Paula, looking at the door. "They sell and trade Duel Monster cards here!"

"I'll pass," said Ness, Jeff, and Poo.

Paula dashed in, and quickly came back out with a card. "I've been looking for another Metal Morph!" she said.

"How about we head to the museum?" suggested Poo.

"Okay," said Ness.

"One second," said Poo. He went in and bought a card. "A Sling Troopers. 2000 defense, and you can sacrifice a warrior to destroy a monster with less defense than Sling Troopers' attack."

"Cool," said Ness. "How do you know what it says? It's Japanese."

"I know how to read many languages," said Poo. "It was part of my training. You have a Retrained…"

"Celtic Guardian?" said Ness. "Yeah. Real nice. Same stats as regular Celtic Guardian, but it can't be destroyed by monsters with more than 1900 attack!"

"I prefer to call it Elf Swordsman."

"Are we going to the Museum or what?" said Jeff.

"Fine!" said Ness.

It took them until nightfall to find the museum. By that time, there were a lot of people nearby.

"Hey, look!" said Paula. "It's those two lovebirds we saw earlier today!"

Indeed they were. The tall girl and the spiky haired boy were there.

"How can you tell?" said Ness. "That they're on a date, that is?"

"I know these things," said Paula.

They approached the two.

"Oh, hello," said the girl.

"I had a feeling we'd see you again," said Paula.

"We were just going to go into the museum," said Jeff. "But we got lost on our way here. Well, see you."

Jeff immediately ran into the museum. The rest followed.

They were kicked out in a few minutes.

Just then, Kaiba's face appeared on all the large TV screens.

"Hello, everyone," said the video screen. "I'm so glad you could make it. Welcome, to the announcement of my Battle City tournament! This'll be far more difficult than that Duelist Kingdom tournament Pegasus held."

"Who?" said Ness. "I must've missed that tourney."

The foursome approached the two they meet earlier. There was a third person there. A girl, tall and blonde. Ness ignored her.

"I've added a few special rules just for you expert duelists," Kaiba said. "In addition, you must also ante up your rarest card."

They were in shock.

"There's no way I'm risking my Dark Magician!" said the boy.

"That means one loss will ruin my entire deck!" said the blonde girl.

"I am not wagering the promo I got in that magazine!" exclaimed Ness.

"I don't see why you're so worried," said Poo.

"Laugh it up, Mr. 5-Pack-of-Talwar!" said Paula. "I got lucky when I got my Cosmo Queen!"

Jeff was silent as he looked at his Barrel Dragon, and shook his head.

A helicopter approached. Kaiba was hanging out of it.

"EVERYONE! PREPARE!" he shouted. "FOR IN 2 DAYS, THIS CITY WILL BE A BATTLE CITY!"


	4. The Underground Duel

Chapter 4

A Little Underground (literally) Duel

(Author's note: This should've been apparent by now, but any of the characters you see I do not own. Also, to those picky about anime names, I will be using their butchered dub names. Just so the normals know whom I'm talking about. But I will not refer to the spirit as "Yami". That is not his real name. The characters actually know not of his real name, but rather refer to him as "the other Yugi". It was something stupid 4Kids added in. 4Kids does a lot of butchering to the original anime from Japan, such as changing Osiris to Slifer. If I get up to that point, I will refer to him as Osiris because it is his true name. 4Kids assume that if it is red, big, and watches over the Underworld, it's Satanic. But I'm ranting. Let's continue on.)

The crew got to introduce themselves to the "lovebirds", as Paula affectionately called them. They introduced themselves, too. The boy's name was Yugi. The brown-haired girl was named Téa. Then the blonde butted in and introduced herself as Mai.

Then Ness, Jeff, Paula, and Poo went back to their hotel cave.

"You know," said Jeff, "we really should practice. We need to stay at the top of our game."

"Good idea," said Paula. "Rematch, Ness?"

"No way!" replied Ness. "You got whipped and that's it! You were attack happy, and that's it!"

"I'll duel," said Jeff.

"You could've won the turn you drew that Typhoon," said Paula, "but no! You had to play it as a trap."

"It ain't my fault you fell for it!" said Ness. "It's also your fault you fell for me reviving my Blue Eyes and hitting the Cylinder!"

"I'm willing!" said Jeff.

"Right!" said Paula. "You did that just so Cosmo Queen would get the power boost, just so that your Magic Cylinder would be more effective! It's a cheap trick!"

"So is using Trap Hole, according to most people," said Ness.

Jeff fired his Gaia Beam laser gun. Then he swapped some cards out of his deck. He realized Scroll of Bewitchment changes attribute, not type.

"Enough, Ness," said Jeff. "Let's go!"

Jeff whipped out his automatic card shuffler, cut his deck, and hit the button to shuffle.

Ness shuffled by hand.

The two put on their duel disks, and inserted the decks into the proper slot.

"LET'S GO!" shouted the two.

Poo and Paula sat in their beds to watch.

"You go first," said Jeff.

"'Kay," said Ness. He drew his hand. Sling Troopers, first draw. (Not bad,) he thought.

"I'll set this monster down," said Ness. He slapped his Sling Troopers face down and horizontal. He then inserted a card in the magic/trap slot. "And set this card. Your turn."

Jeff thought he had a good first hand, too. X-Head Cannon, Y-Dragon Head, and Z-Metal Caterpillar right off the bat. After modifying his deck, he only had two non-Machines in his deck. He drew. There it was. Sinister Serpent. He looked at the other 2 monsters in hand. Jinzo #7 and Mechanicalchaser. It wasn't a bad hand. But it worked for him. Le laid down Mechanicalchaser.

"First, I'll throw down Mechanicalchaser in attack mode!" declared Jeff.

(ATTACK!) thought Ness. (ATTACK!)

"Then, I'll remove these 3 cards from the game…" Jeff took X, Y, and Z out of his hand and threw them into a slot. "… to special summon XYZ-DRAGON CANNON!"

He watched as his machine formed. All he could see were the many armaments extending from the giant metal mass. Jeff looked admirably at the fusion monster he summoned, with its attack of 2800 and defense of 2500. He had to get it to survive, because since it was summoned by its effect, it was considered an illegal fusion summon. Thus, if destroyed, it couldn't be revived.

"Then, I'll discard a card from my hand…" Jeff took the Serpent from his hand and slid it into the discard slot. "…to activate its effect that lets me destroy any card on the field! Say goodbye to your set!"

Ness saw the set monster explode. "SLING TROOPS!"

"And I'll discard my remaining card to destroy your trap!" declared Jeff.

"Not my Magic Cylinder!" Ness was amazed.

"I can't attack with my newly fused monster, so Mechanicalchaser will attack instead!"

Ness was pushed back by the force of the blow. Amazed, he said, "This is good technology!"

"I agree," said Jeff. "Now go. I have a good feeling."

Ness looked at the Rush Recklessly he drew. He could be his sneaky self, but he never dueled Jeff before. He deduced doing that would be like giving a horror flick murderer a chainsaw. He needed a good sap to attack with. Then he realized he could just whip out the Retrained Celtic Guardian, equip it with Dragonic Attack, and annihilate the little machine he has to deal with. Jeff will attack with XYZ, and he'll wipe the floor with his Goblin Attack Force.

"First, I'll summon the Retrained Celtic Guardian!" declared Ness. "Then, I'll power him up with Dragonic Attack! Not only is he now a Dragon-type, but his attack is now 1900! You know what that means, right?"

"That he's a big draggin' target for my Dragon Cannon?" replied Jeff.

"You can try," replied Ness. "But… ahh. I'll let you find out for yourself. CELTIC GUARDIAN! ATTACK MECHANICALCHASER!"

A swing of the guardian's sword, and the robot was gone.

"Go," said Ness.

Jeff drew his card. Then the Serpent he discarded popped out of the discard slot. Jeff took it.

"Ness, you're okay, but I have 2 words for you," said Jeff. "You're screwed. I play LIMITER REMOVAL! It doubles the attack of my machines! Sure, they'll blow up at the end of this turn. But it makes a great finishing move. XYZ, BLAST CELTIC GUARDIAN!"

The numerous turrets went off firing, and the Retrained Celtic Guardian fell on his back. Then got up. Then fell down.

It didn't matter to Jeff. He won in 2 turns.

"That was as much fun as recalibrating a motor," said Jeff. "Maybe we'll duel another time. And maybe I'll find a genetic solution that'll make pigs fly!"

Jeff put his deck in a box, and tucked himself in to sleep.


	5. My Déjà Poo

Chapter… what? 6? No, wait. It's 5, right? Yeah. 5.

My Déjà Poo 

Two days had passed.

But I bet you're more interested in what happened to Ness and crew in those 2 days, right?

I could tell you if you want. Do you want to know?

Alright then.

Nothing.

That's right. Nothing happened.

Though Seto was a bit disturbed by Ness's duel.

He kept watching the video. He kept rewinding to where Ness summoned the Blue Eyes White Dragon.

Back and forth.

Back and forth.

Then he paused.

The Blue Eyes was different.

His Blue Eyes was pictured over a blue background. It was showing its full body and looking to its right.

Then he looked at the paused image. Ness's Blue Eyes was shown in outer space. Flying above the Earth. The dragon itself was looking rather lean. But it was shown preparing to blast something with its White Lightning.

(Alternative artwork,) deduced Seto. (But I thought there were only 4 Blue Eyes White Dragons in the world. I have 3. And I ripped the 4th one up. None of them looked like his. How is it possible? Is he a Rare Hunter, and that being a fake Blue Eyes? No. The system would've detected it. It's a real card. But how? It doesn't make sense. Are there more Blue Eyes White Dragons out there that I don't know of? This is eating me up. I got to stop thinking about this.)

And so, he pushed it to the back of his mind.

Eventually, the tournament started.

The gang didn't hear much. Locator cards, all-out war… it was all a blur to them. Jeff was the only one who listened to the whole thing, and he explained it to his friends.

Then they went their separate ways.

It wasn't long before Poo saw a duel going underway. He watch as a kid played a card over and over, then drawing. He wasn't paying attention to what he had on the field.

Then he watched. He placed the 5 Exodia cards on the field, and watched as the big beast blasted his opponent.

"And this win makes 3 locators," said the kid.

"That's not fair!" said his opponent. "You cheated!"

"It is fair," the kid replied. "It's totally legal." Then he turned to the crowd. "Anyone wish to challenge me?"

"I WILL!" boomed Poo.

"Well," said the kid. "This should be good. Everyone loves kung fu fighting. But this match will be fast and frightening."

"Right," Poo said, rolling his eyes. "What's your name?"

"You may call me… Tim," said the kid.

"Greetings, Tim!" said Poo. "This may be your last time!"

"Right," said Tim. "Let's just get it over with. I'll go first."

The two drew their cards.

"I'll play a monster in defense, a card face-down, a field card face-down, and end my turn," said Tim.

"I play 2 cards face-down and then summon GEMINI ELF!" said Poo. "Gemini Elf, attack!"

"Activate trap!" shouted Tim. "Mask of Restrict!"

"Why'd you activate that?" said Poo. "And don't tell me what it does. I know it prevents me from sacrificing for any reason."

"When you see what you hit, you'll see why."

As the hologram of the monster he was attacking appeared, Poo recognized it from somewhere. He knew it had no attack, but 2000 defense. It also had an effect, but he couldn't recall what.

"The Royal Magic Librarian," said Tim. "Hurts for your beauties to hit, doesn't it?"

"So," said Poo. "Stalling, huh? Playing defensively, eh?  Waiting for something? Smart. Very smart! But it isn't smart enough! I trained myself to heighten my senses! I can see the reflection in your eyes! Is that one of Exodia's arms in your hand?"

Tim was shocked. "How…"

"I'm not an Indian," joked Poo. Then he added, "And I don't lie. Now go."

Then something popped into his head. His first duel.

It was a peaceful day. Poo was visiting Onett to buy some cards. He was surprised about everyone making a big deal about all the cards he bought. Then this kid of about 15 challenged him. He puts some cards together to fit the Exodia cards he just bought. The kid went first, laid some cards down, summoned a monster, and ended his turn. Then he activated his Light of Intervention. Poo was forced to summon his Sangan in defense instead of setting it. His opponent summoned the Royal Magic Librarian in defense. Then he attached the Dagger of Butterflies to his first monster. The monster's effect destroyed it, and the dagger went back into his hand. He then placed a counter on the Librarian. He placed the dagger, put it in his hand, and added a counter. Dagger, hand, counter. He then removed the counters and drew a card. Dagger, hand, counter. Dagger, hand, counter. Dagger, hand, counter, remove, draw. It kept repeating. Then, he showed that he had Exodia.

While Poo was off in daydream land, Tim had activated his field card: Chorus of Sanctuary. A book had appeared near the Royal Magic Librarian.

Poo cursed, as there was no monster that didn't require a tribute that could get by that kind of defense the Librarian was packing. He would need a fusion.

 "Then I'll play Mystical Space Typhoon and destroy your face-down trap on your left!" declared Tim.

"Ehh, it was a Magic Jammer, anyway," said Poo.

A second book appeared near the Royal Magic Librarian.

"Finally, I'll get my combo rolling!" said Tim. "Summon Gearfried the Iron Knight!"

(That's the monster that kept destroying the dagger!) realized Poo.

"Now!" said Tim, inserting a card into his Duel Disk. "Dagger of Butterflies! Equip to Gearfried the Iron Knight!"

The dagger appeared near Gearfried, and it was smashed as Gearfried touched it.

A third book appeared near the Librarian.

"And now," said Tim, "I activate the Librarian's effect! I remove the three magic counters…" The books disappeared. "…to draw a card."

And Tim drew.

"I guess you can see I have both arms now," said Tim. "I'll have Exodia quickly enough. DAGGER OF BUTTERFLIES!"

Poo pressed a button. "8 MAGICAL ABSORBERS!" he declared.

"Huh?" said Tim. "What's that?"

"Just the ultimate in magic countering," stated Poo. "I can either discard a magic card to negate and destroy the recently activated magic card. OR! I can instantly negate and destroy any targeted magic card. Equip cards kind of need a target, so I'll choose the 2nd effect."

The hologram of the card flickered and then disappeared.

"NO LOOP FOR YOU!" exclaimed Poo.

"GODAMNIT!" shouted Tim. "How could you see that combo?"

"I saw it before," said Poo. "That's how."

"Anyway, go," said Tim.

Poo drew.

Then he chuckled.

Then he slapped down the card he drew.

"PATHFINDING WHITE RABBIT! ATTACK POSITION!" he declared.

"What's with all these strange cards?" said Tim.

"You got to have the Spirit," said Poo. "Pathfinding White Rabbit has 700 attack. Weak, right? WRONG! Spirit monsters, while they can't be special summoned, have great special abilities. Such as my rabbit. It can bypass monsters to attack directly. I have other Spirits ready, just in case. Like 8 Giant Crows. Only 200 attack. But if it does damage, you can't draw. And Fire Starter. Level 8, 2800 attack, and 2900 defense. And if it does damage, you have to discard your entire hand! Downside to him, which all Spirits share but is an upside to the other Spirits, is that he returns to my hand at the end of my turn. Of course, there's a card in my deck that fixes that. But the price is a bit hefty. Discarding every turn… whew! I have a card that fixes that, but only 1. But I'm ranting. Gemini Elf! Attack Gearfried!"

The iron menace exploded into chunks of holographic metal.

"Now! Rabbit! Attack him directly!"

The rabbit hopped until it went right _through_ the Librarian, then it head-butted Tim. Tim stumbled a bit, and regained his balance.

Poo then went through his hand. He had a Fairy Meteor Crush, a Fire Starter, and a Spirit Fixation Armor.

Poo chuckled. "3200 to 3900," said Poo. "I end my turn." Poo lifted the White Rabbit off his disk.

Tim drew, and sighed. Without his combo, he hadn't had any good cards. He had drawing power in his magic, but not much stalling or defense. He gestured for Poo to take his turn.

Poo drew and looked at what he drew. Pot of Greed. It wasn't what he was hoping for, but it'd work in a pinch. He inserted it into the slot and drew his cards. Monster Reborn and Sinister Serpent.

"Word of warning, Tim," said Poo. "It'll be getting hot in here."

"Should I take off all my clothes?" joked Tim.

Tim was immediately pelted with rotten tomatoes.

"But if you're thinking of summoning Fire Starter," said Tim, "may I remind you that Mask of Restrict is still in effect? No sacrificing allowed. Not for effects. Not for summoning. Not for anything."

"BAH!" exclaimed Poo.

"And it'll be your prize if you win," added Tim.

"Then I'll place 2 cards face down," declared Poo, "and summon my rabbit in attack position. WHITE RABBIT! THUMP 'EM!"

(Author note: Pun intended.)

Again, the rabbit hopped through the Librarian. Again, the rabbit struck Tim. Again, Tim stumbled back. And again, Poo placed the rabbit in his hand as he ended his turn. But now, it was 2500 to 3900. With Poo having the latter amount.

Tim drew, smiled, and passed.

Poo drew. And smiled. "HARPIE'S FEATHER DUSTER!"

Tim was shocked as his trap and his field was destroyed.

"Then I activate my face-down Monster Reborn to revive your Iron Knight," Poo declared as he pressed a button. Then he pressed another, "And activate my Spirit Fixation Armor."

"I'm gonna draw during my turn!" shouted Tim. "YAY!"

"Pardon my mouth and my minimal television knowledge," said Poo, "but I have a cartoon quote for you: 'BZZT! WRONG! TRY AGAIN, DUMBASS!' I sacrifice Gearfried and Gemini Elf for Fire Starter!"

"GAHHHH!" screamed Tim.

"You have Exodia's head in your hand, right?" Poo guessed. "Well, too bad. I equip Fire Starter with Fairy Meteor Crush. FIRE STARTER! ATTACK!"

Fire Starter smashed the book keeper to bits.

"You have 1700 points," said Poo. "Don't think you'll last. Go. You can surrender if you want."

Tim just discarded his hand because of Fire Starter, drew, set, and gestured for Poo to go.

Poo was silent. First he drew. Then he discarded Sinister Serpent to pay Spirit Fixation Armor's cost. Then it popped back out of the graveyard "slot". Poo then summoned the rabbit, and equipped it with the card he drew: Axe of Despair. He then had the rabbit attack.

"Game, set, match," said Poo, in a cool manner. "Hand over the mask."

"HOW!" screamed Tim. "THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE! IT CAN'T BE! YOU MUST'VE CHEATED! YEAH! THAT'S IT! YOU CHEATED! YOU DON'T DESERVE THE PRIZE!"

Then a whistle was blown.

"What seems to be the trouble?" said a voice. A short kid with a whistle strung around his neck walked forward.

"THIS KID CHEATED!" shouted Tim.

"Wait," said Poo. "Aren't you Kaiba's little brother, Mokuba? Well, anyway, I didn't cheat. He's just a sore loser who relied on a cheesy combo and Exodia. And he refuses to give me his Mask of Restrict."

"May I please have your Mask of Restrict?" asked Mokuba.

"Yes, sir," said Tim. "Just don't tell your brother. I don't want to be kicked out of the tournament. And I'll give you the locator card."

Tim handed Mokuba the Mask of Restrict and the locator card. Then Mokuba handed the Mask of Restrict card and the locator card to Poo.

"Congratulations!" said Mokuba. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to check on Espa Roba. There's something suspicious about him."

And with that, Mokuba ran off.

Poo felt a kind of smugness from winning that duel. Almost like he got revenge on that kid in the Onett card shop.

And while he would rather meditate than seek vengeance, it felt good.


	6. The Bandit's Edge

Chapter 6

The Bandit's Edge

A lone duelist was wandering through a dark alley.

He wasn't anyone important. He's just here to progress the storyline.

Anyway, out of the darkness, a purple cloth surrounds the duelist and pulls him in.

"I'll take that," said a voice.

The duelist was then thrown out onto the street without his deck and Duel Disk.

"Keep this," the voice said. "It's of no use to me."

The mysterious purple-drabbed figure threw the duelist's deck to him.

Ness was wondering around Battle City.

Ever vigilant.

Ever aware.

Always on the lookout for prey.

He saw a deck. And a hand.

Victim spotted.

But then there was no disk.

Lucky break for him.

The deck came closer.

And closer.

Ness looked up at the deck's owner.

"Please help me," the owner said. It was just a kid. His clothes were torn, and he was beat up.

"What's up?" asked Ness.

"This guy," he said, "… this guy mugged me and stole my Duel Disk and my Locator Card."

(Injured prey,) thought Ness. "I fit into this where?"

"I have a favor to ask of you," the kid said. "Get my card and disk back."

"I'll get your disk," said Ness. "But if this guy only has your locator card, I'm keeping it. I expect some kind of payment out of it, and rare cards don't work for me. I have specific tastes in my cards."

The kid sighed. "Fine," he said. "You get to keep one locator card. And if he stakes a card on the duel, keep that, too."

"Gotcha," said Ness. (The hunt begins anew.)

Ness went back on the prowl. This time, he was ready to kick some ass as well as duel. He had his baseball bat ready just in case.

Ness wasn't sure what he was looking for, but he was alert.

Then he saw a suspicious looking person in a bandana. He had a Duel Disk on, and played a card that Ness recognized from Jeff's deck. Mechanicalchaser, if he remembered right.

Something about the person didn't seem right to Ness.

Then he suddenly saw something from the bandana guy's point of view: him stealing the kid's duel disk. Ness knew he sometimes had trouble controlling his PSI.

(May the real criminal please stand up?) thought Ness.

Ness wanted to say it aloud, but he didn't want to attract attention.

"And that's game," said the bandana-clad duelist. "That's what you get when you deal with 'Bandit' Keith Howard!"

(A/N: That was Bandit Keith's last name, as revealed in the original version of the Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters anime. Thanks to an anonymous source from an anonymous website for the information.)

(So the suspect has a name,) thought Ness.

"How'd you get such a breath-taking nickname?" asked Ness, joking a bit.

Bandit Keith turned to look at Ness, and scowled. "What'd you have to say to me?"

"Nothing, you gear-grinding jock-monkey!" retorted Ness.

"WHAT?!" Keith yelled, angrily.

"Tell me," said Ness, "does that disk even belong to you?"

"Of course it does!"

"'Cause you seem like the kind of scum who'd do anything to win. You remind me of this gang head I dealt with once, Frank Fly. Probably the only guy I ever saw that tried to stab me. I've been pecked, bitten, shot at with a laser, poisoned, nauseated, whacked with paintbrushes, clawed, almost run over, scalded with hot coffee, blasted with bottle rockets, and had mushroom spores planted on my head and effect my sense of balance, but he was the only guy who tried to hurt me with a knife."

"… I'm sorry. But I lost you after the paintbrushes."

"Look. Just confess you stole the thing and I can go."

"This isn't stolen!"

"Fine. Then I have to do this the hard way."

Ness started for his baseball bat, but then he saw Keith go for something. (A gun, most likely,) Ness assumed.

"You know," said Ness. "We could have a street fight over this, but I got an itch that I just can't scratch. It started when I saw you play that Mechanicalchaser. This other kid with Machines in his deck thrashed me once."

"I get what you're saying," said Keith. "You want a duel. Fine. But you'll regret dueling with 'Bandit' Keith! I was America's top duelist!"

"Was?" said Ness. "You mean you're a has-been? What caused the wash-up?"

"Shut up and duel," said Keith.

"Fine," said Ness. "Can't take a little trash-talk."

The two shuffled each other's decks, and the duel was under way.

Ness drew, and checked out his hand. (How does it that my Sling Troops are always near the top of the deck? It's weird!)

"I'll start it off setting a monster in defense," declared Ness, "and playing 2 cards face down."

"Okay. I'll play Mechanicalchaser! Attack mode!" declared Keith. "Then I'll play Dark-Piercing Light to reveal your face-down monster."

"Mind if I chain a Scapegoat to that?" said Ness.

Ness watched as 4 sheep appeared, then as his Sling Troopers came into view.

"I might as well attack one of those sheep," said Keith. "Don't think I don't know the Sling Troop's effect. Because I do! Mechanicalchaser, attack a sheep!"  
Ness watched as the orb-like machine struck its spear into one of Ness's sheep.

"Then I'll play two cards face down and end my turn," declared Keith.

"Thanks for that stunt, Keith," said Ness, with a hint of sarcasm. Ness drew. He smiled.

"GOBLIN ATTACK FORCE!" Ness declared. "In attack mode. Next, I use one of my sheep as sacrifice fodder for Sling Troops' effect. As you know, it lets me destroy one monster that has less defense that Sling Troops has attack. So, say goodbye to your Mechanicalchaser! SLING TROOPS! LAUNCH THE SHEEP!"

The Sling Troops didn't comply.

"Ha-ha!" laughed Keith. "Too bad you don't know that you need to use a Warrior-type as a sacrifice for that effect!"

"What?" said Ness.

"Next time, read the card."

"Yeah, yeah. I'll just have my troops shoot themselves."

Ness watched as the soldier working the catapult hopped into the catapult. The catapult released, and Mechanicalchaser shattered.

"NOW! GOBLINS!" shouted Ness. "CHARGE!"

Ness watched as his Goblins charged forth and  started clubbing the bandana-clad bandit.  
Ness chuckled as Keith's life points made a quick and immense drop from 4000 to 1300. Then he moaned when his goblins grabbed flimsy cardboard shields and started napping.

"I'll play a card face-down," said Ness. "That'll wrap my turn up."

Keith drew, and grinned.

"1 monster in defense, and 2 cards face down," declared Keith. "For now, it'll have to do."

Ness drew. "I'll sacrifice my Goblin Attack Force for Luster Dragon! Then, I'll play Stamping Destruction. It destroys a Magic or Trap card and inflicts 500 points of Direct Damage. So, the one on the right will do."

The recently summoned green dragon stomped its feet, and the card shattered. Suddenly, a coffin rose from the ground.

"500 points is a small price for activating my trap: the Cursed Coffin," said  Keith. "It activates when destroyed. I can either have you discard a card from your hand, chosen at random. Or I can destroy 1 monster on the field. So, let's stuff a sheep into an early grave."

Ness watch in confusion as one of his sheep was lured into the coffin. He raised and lowered one shoulder.

"Big mistake, Keith," said Ness. He looked at his hand. Only 2 cards: Fusion Sword Murasame Blade and Dragon's Rage. Murasame wasn't useful at the time, as he needed a Warrior for it. He could set the Dragon's Rage trap card and then finish Keith off next turn.

"I'll set a card face-down," said Ness. "Now! Luster Dragon, attack!"

The large dragon inhaled, and let out a burst of breath that was colored green with emerald shards. The face-down card flipped up, and a round red sphere with claw-like mechanisms appeared. The sphere flew forward and clung to the large dragon.

"WHAT THE HELL?" shouted Ness.

"It's merely my Blast Sphere," stated Keith. "It activates its effect while attacked while face-down. It attaches to the monster that attacked it. Then, on the end of my turn, it'll explode. Your Luster Dragon will be gone, and you'll take direct damage equal to half of the Dragon's attack strength."

"YOU UNDERHANDED SLIMEBALL!" shouted Ness. "Just go!"

"My pleasure," said Keith, as he drew his card. He chuckled. "Time to reveal something that'll leave you hurting. Activate Zera Ritual!"

Keith's remaining face-down card revealed itself.

"And now," said Keith, "I'll sacrifice the Slot Machine and Robolady in my hand to complete the ritual and summon Zera the Mant!"

A giant slot machine with legs and arm appeared, then disappeared. Then a robotic women appeared, and disappeared. A dark mist came from the ritual card, and from it emerged a blue-skinned demon in a cape.

"Thanks a lot," said Ness. "My pants were poppin', but now they're dropping."

"So I had to ditch a metal damsel to summon this beast," said Keith. "She's only good in a fusion and as sacrifice fodder. Besides, I have another lady in waiting. But for now, it's time to make that pain from my Blast Sphere much worse. I play United We Stand and equip it to your Luster Dragon!"

"Huh?" said Ness.

"United We Stand boosts a monster's attack and defense strengths by 800, plus another 800 for each monster on its side," explained Keith. "So your Luster Dragon gains 3200 attack and defense. That makes 1600 more damage when my sphere blows up in your face. You'll still be in the lead, but it won't be by much."

Ness had to shout something. Blinded by his fury, he shouted, in a French accent, "YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMSTER, AND YOUR FATHER SMELT OF ELDERBERRIES!"

(A/N: I was in a Monty Python-ish mood when I typed that in.)

"I'm just going to end my turn, you freak," replied Keith. "And that'd set off my Blast Sphere."

Ness watched as the metal orb began to glow. After a period, it exploded. When the dust cleared, Ness's big green dragon was gone. He then watched as his life points dropped to 1200, only 400 more than Keith's.

"Talk about lowering the boom," Ness joked. "Maybe I can get something good." Ness drew. A Pot of Greed.

"Let's hope for a better draw!" said Ness. He inserted the card into the slot and drew 2 more cards. Hamburger Recipe and Waboku. He sighed.

"1 card face-down," said Ness. "That'll be all."

Keith chuckled. "On the run, eh?" he said as he drew. "I'll play a card face down. Now, Zera! Slash that sheep!"

The beak-nosed demon leaped forward and slashed one of Ness' helpless sheep.

"I'll set this monster in defense and end my turn," declared Keith.

Ness drew, and looked at his card. Heart of Clear Water. It'll have to do. He'll need to stall until he can summon a monster to wield his Fusion Sword.

"I'll equip a Sheep Token with Heart of Clear Water," declared Ness. "It'll have to do, for now."

"What's a heart gonna do for a rag doll like that?" question Keith as he drew. "Maybe I'll find out! First, I'll sacrifice my two monsters to summon Barrel Dragon!"

Ness watched as Keith's facedown monster briefly appeared: a Robotic Knight. Then it and the demonic Zera disappeared. In its place, a large mechanical dragon with giant glowing… things attached to it appeared.

"Next, I'll use Monster Reborn to revive Zera the Mant," said Keith as he inserted a card into a slot. Shortly, the big demon arose again.

"Zera!" shouted Keith. "Slice that sheep!"

Ness watched helplessly as the big blue demon turned another sheep into lamb chops.

"Now, Barrel Dragon!" Keith continued. "Blast that last sheep!"

Ness braced himself for that blast, and watched as the Barrel Dragon's things fired off laser blasts. Then he witnessed his sheep was knocked backwards. When the smoke cleared, the sheep had some burn marks on its face.

"HOW'D IT SURVIVE?" questioned Keith.

Ness let out a laugh… and I mean a belly laugh. "That's Heart of Clear Water for you," he stated. "It must be equipped to a monster of 1300 attack or less, but the monster it's equipped to becomes impervious to attacks and can't be destroyed by targeted effects. Nice try, though."

"Fine," said Keith. "I'll have to pass."

Ness drew. "I'll just set a monster and end here," said Ness.

Keith drew. "I'll activate Barrel Dragon's effect!" said Keith. "With luck, it'll destroy your face-down monster!"

Ness witnessed in awe as the three blaster-type things rose and formed a triangle pattern. A round disk with a spark plug emerged. The disk spun round and round, until it began to slow. When it stopped, it wasn't near one of blasters.

"DAMN!" shouted Keith. "End turn."

Ness watched as the disk dropped back where it originated, and the blasters reset to its original positions.

Ness inhaled, and exhaled. Then he drew.

"Alright!" said Ness. "Atten-hut! 'Bout damn time! First, I'll flip-summon that Sinister Serpent you tried to blast."

Ness watched as his face-down monster appeared, and a little snake came into view.

"Next, I'll sacrifice it to summon Freed the Matchless General!" declared Ness. "I shall end my turn, here. But be warned, you shall lose shortly. At ease, soldier."

"I'll put your time in this tournament at ease!" said Keith. "Zera! Attack that general!"

He watched in fear as Zera leaped forward. Ness needed the General for his next turn. He had 1 choice.

"Activate face-down card!" said Ness. "WABOKU!"

3 robed priestesses stepped in front of Ness's monsters. Zera stopped in its tracks.

"Fine," said Keith. "I'll play Tribute to the Doomed! And by discarding my Launcher Spider, I can destroy one of your monsters! Say goodbye to your general!"

Ness smirked smugly. The bandages ensnared Freed.

"Any last words?" said Keith.

"Yeah: I think not!" said Ness.

Ness smiled as Freed burst out of the bandages.

"Allow me to explain," said Ness. "Freed the Matchless General has 2 effects. The first one negates all magic cards that target it. The second one you'll witness soon enough."

Keith growled.

"Down, boy!" joked Ness.

"I'll end my turn," said Keith.

"Now, I'll activate Freed's second effect," said Ness. "It lets me get a Warrior monster from my deck instead of drawing. I'll get my Hungry Burger."

Ness took out his deck and started searching. "Here it is," said Ness. He showed the card, added it to his hand, put his hand in his pocket, and shuffled. He then placed the deck back in the slot and grabbed his hand. Then, the Sinister Serpent popped right of the discard slot.

"You expect to beat me with food?" asked Keith.

"Freed would do it," said Ness, "but his first effect makes it so he can't be armed with anything! Now, I'll play Hamburger Recipe!"

Ness watched as his card appeared, and a fast-food-style grill appeared. The fire below the grill ignited, and lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, buns, beef, and onions appeared on the edge. A rather demonic chef appeared and cooked the beef. Then he assembled the burger and placed a little flag of Japan on top.

"I'll sacrifice the Sinister Serpent in my hand and Freed the Matchless General for my recipe!" stated Ness as he slid the monsters into the discard slot.

Ness watched as his serpent appeared, then it and his general disappeared into balls of light and flew into the recently prepared burger. The burger grew teeth and hopped of the grill. At that moment, the chef and grill disappeared.

"Meet the Hungry Burger!" declared Ness. "Can you say, 'Check, please?'"

Keith just shook his head.

"Now," said Ness, "I'll equip Hungry Burger with Fusion Sword Murasame Blade!"

Ness watched as some of Hungry Burger's lettuce wrapped around the freshly-generated sword.

"Hungry Burger," said Ness, "attack Barrel Dragon!"

The sharp toothed burger leaped forward, and swung its sword. The giant metal behemoth shattered into pieces.

Ness chuckled. "You're at 600," said Ness. "I'm at 1200. Take your turn."

Keith shook his head and drew. "I'll pass," Keith said. "I got nothing. And Zera isn't losing his life over some lunchmeat."

Ness drew and looked at his card. Graceful Charity. Bad spot to be in. He sighed.

"I'll play Graceful Charity," said Ness. He drew three cards. Blue Eyes White Dragon, Monster Reborn, and Tyrant Dragon. He discarded the two dragons.

"Now!" said Ness. "This is where you fall! MONSTER REBORN!"

"What do you have to revive?" asked Keith.

"Nothing much," said Ness. "Just the Blue eyes White Dragon!"

"You're bluffing!" said Keith.

"Am I? I had to discard something through Graceful Charity. One of those things was my Blue Eyes White Dragon!"

Ness watched as his big white dragon came into view. He smiled.

"BLUE EYES!" shouted Ness. "ATTACK ZERA!"

 The giant dragon reared his head back and let loose with a large bursting stream of energy, which destroyed the big demon that is Zera.

"Finish him off, Hungry Burger!" stated Ness.

The beefy fighter leaped forward and slashed at Keith with his sword.

Just then, the images of Ness's Blue Eyes and Hungry Burger disappeared.

"Uhh… wow," said Keith, taking out something. "You're good. Here. A locator card."

"Thanks," said Ness, accepting it.

"And here's my Barrel Dragon," Keith continued.

"I'll turn that down," said Ness. "I'd prefer some type of warrior monster, if anything."

"Alright," sighed Keith, who then took off his jacket and went through the cards stuffed in the inside pockets.

"How's this?" said Keith, handing Ness a card. "Total Defense Shogun When you summon it, it puts itself into defense mode. And to make things better, it can attack while in defense mode."

"Okay," said Ness. He took the card.

"HEY!" shouted a familiar voice.

(Oh, great!) thought Ness. (My client.)

"Glad you found the guy who stole my disk!" the duelist said.

"Of course I did!" said Keith. "I'd do anything to help!"

"Stop the phony act, Howard!" said Ness. "The kid was talking to me. And you've been had."

"You got no proof!" said Keith.

"You saying that is enough proof," said Ness.

It didn't take a psychic to know that Keith was nervous. In an attempt to stop Ness from following him, Keith took off his coat and threw it at Ness. Right after that, Keith took off. When Ness got the coat off him, he saw Keith in the distance with the kid in hot pursuit.

Ness raised and lowered one soldier, and went through the many cards. After taking a Throwstone Unit (a card exactly like Sling Troops in every way), a Dark Ruler Ha Des, some spirits, and various other cards for himself and his friends, Ness threw the jacket to the ground. After he left the area, he heard a huge crowd screaming nearby.


End file.
